7 Deadly Sins – Elevators
ELEVATORS, in my opinion, are a very awkward place to be. We spend time in this little box with complete strangers and for the most it’s silent and awkward. What is it about this journey we travel, most of us daily, that we just never seem to become relaxed about? There are so many different scenarios of elevator travelling, if that’s what we shall call it, that can make the most confident of us feel uncomfortable.
I would firstly like to point out that luckily I don’t possess a fear of elevators, be it claustrophobic nor agoraphobic. Claustrophobia of course is the fear of enclosed spaces, while agoraphobia can be the fear of developing a panic attack from being in situations where they have little control, for example an elevator, and/or from an open place such as a shopping centre.
The non spoken 7 deadly sins of riding an elevator are:
1. Do not let out wind!
Whether it be from the top or bottom half of the body, you need to hold that bad boy in until everyone else is out of that tiny moving room you’re sharing. Also don’t make the mistake of releasing while in an elevator alone, because Murphy’s Law will result in a lingering smell that is noticed by the crowds of people that are waiting to enter as you leave. There’s no denying the culprit and you can be sure they are all thinking about what you’ve done while riding the elevator alone. So by God you should hope you can hold that one until you are in a safe zone.
2. Do not make conversation!
The next time you take an elevator remember that everyone wants you to get out at the next floor. In fact, nobody wanted you to get on in the first place. People don’t take elevators expecting to make friends, find their next crush or to be on the receiving end of someone that want’s to either talk complete nonsense or vent about their day. Please stop making awkward conversation. You’re making yourself look silly and everyone around you is saying “Shhhh” really loudy in their mind. Special points for those that tell you to stop talking.
The only time you should be speaking in an elevator, and I will repeat only time, is when you should politely ask “Which floor?” so you can press the relevant button for the newcomer. This of course is assuming you are standing nearest the array of buttons. Not satisified to only come across as polite, the real reason you want to press that shiny silver button with the red lit up destination floor number is because you don’t want your fellow vertical traveller to come anywhere near your personal space.
Leading on very nicely is that tiny area around us that we are not too pleased with people entering, especially strangers. Personal space is important to us all in every different situation, but almost never as important as when it is reduced to nothing in a cramped elevator. I will address this in 2 ways:
- When in an elevator keep your hands preferably by your side and maybe even in your pockets at all times. The last thing anyone wants is their hand to touch off someone else in any way, shape, or form. Imagine the rest of your journey, life would continue in über slow motion until it’s your time to exit those sliding doors while the touched thinks you’re a pervert.
- If you’re waiting for the doors to open to enter the elevator, please be really quick at mathe-magically summing up the amount of people already in there and the ground floor space available to you. If you have any doubt about fitting in without rubbing against someone then please step back and let those people have their uneasy ride without anyone else joining. They are already going through enough hell, and they will hate you for joining them.
We all know that children are human beings and we were one of them at some stage too, but it doesn’t mean we will be happy to engage in deafening sounds coming from that cute little child’s surprisingly powerful vocal chords. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking you not to take the elevator, I’m just asking you not to take it with others already present. I can tell you right now that others are making faces are your child, grunting and maybe even flipping your pride and joy the bird! Don’t shoot the messenger but it’s the truth.
6. Do not show PDA!
This is an easy one…get your face out of your partners mouth! We don’t need or want to see your very public display of affection. Remember we believe it’s happening within our personal space which we already have an issue with, but now I also know that your girlfriend’s french kissing techniques are reminiscent of my parents old washing machine – it would make noises, shake strangely and dribble water out at times. Every tongue movement can be heard and we dislike you both for it.
This is something that I always hope everyone knows but there have been many instances in which the sin has been committed. To make eye contact with a stranger isn’t necessarily a bad thing and almost all of us would do it walking down a street each day. But to look into someone’s eyes in that shiny silver moving box is the most deadly of elevator sins. It’s the most awkward thing you could do and you can be sure that the other person now thinks you are some sort of crazy person for not following the most deadly unspoken but widely known rule. Thought’s that will flash through their minds will be that you are in there to do harm, that you have never taken an elevator before, that you are rude, that you are pervy and want to undress them with your eyes, or that you are absolutely insane. Please, for all that is good in this world, look down at the floor, up at the ceiling, into your smart phone, straight ahead at the door, or of course at the illuminated floor numbers if you’ve designated yourself the button presser for your guests.
So the next time you travel on an elevator, keep in mind that everything you’re thinking – others are thinking, if you have a problem with the person beside you – they have one with you too. If you’re following the rules all will be ok and we need not live in fear again.
*There could have been a rule number 8 on your earphone music volume, 9 on selfies, and many many more. Stay tuned.*